I get press releases, Volume 8

I do get press releases, but in this case, the folks behind this particular press release actually sent it to our music director, who was kind enough to forward it to me. (Why the PR folks would send a press release about a new exciting development in bra technology to the guy responsible for programming classical music on a public radio station is a topic for another day.)

Anyway, this one is worth reading, if only because it introduces us to the concept of a "uni-breast":

FUN SHOW...LISTENER GIVE-AWAYS POSSIBLE IF
THERE IS A FITTING CENTER LOCATED NEARBY

NEW BRA ENLARGES YOUR BREASTS WHILE YOU JOG

A new workout bra allows women to increase their breast
size while improving their lap times.

According to manufacturer Personal Beauty Unlimited of Florida, the bra boasts a revolutionary design which actually builds and strengthens the bust line during athletic workouts.

"This sports bra doesn't strap the boobs down and squish them into a uni-breast, but actually separates them and increases their size during jogging or exercise," says company spokesperson Donna Lisa Wray.

The bra's bosom building power comes from a patented "Under Band" which not only lifts and supports the breasts, but retrains and repositions midriff and underarm flesh into the breast area, giving breasts extra shape and fullness.

"Retraining the misplaced soft tissue back to its proper position also results in a slimmer midriff," says Ms Wray.

Most women will experience a one cup size increase after 30 days, according to Ms Wray.

"The bra is amazingly comfortable, and even though it pumps the breasts up, women won't experience any bouncing during workouts," says Ms Wray.

They're also kind enough to provide professional journalists such as myself with potential interview questions, such as:

1. What made your company design a bra like this?
2. According to your survey, what percentage of American women would
like to increase their breast size? How many breasts did you survey?
3. What do most women dislike the most about their breasts?
4. Over the past 20 years, how many American women have surgically increased their breast size?
5. How does the bra increase breast size?
6. Is the increase permanent?
7. Can this bra correct drooping breasts?

...and, of course:

8. Where can listeners purchase your new bust enhancing bra?

I have a few questions to add, such as:

9. How does one go about surveying a breast? And wouldn't that job be a potential solution to a summer employment shortage among college-aged men?

10. Since when is the "proper position" for a woman's soft tissue on her chest, and not in her underarm? Does her underarm just disappear when she's wearing this bra? And does that mean amazing savings on deodorant bills?

11. What would happen if a guy with a uni-brow met a woman with a uni-breast?

and 12. Don't you think that what women really hate the most about their breasts is the fact that companies such as Personal Beauty Unlimited of Florida invent products that suggest women should want to transfer their underarms to their breasts?